medicine (2) : 死

Waverley Cemetery有Epitaph咁寫

Remembrance

 

When I die

Will you be sad that I have gone,

Sad that our friendship has ended,

That our talking is over,

That we have parted?

Remember me.

When I die

Will you be glad that I lived,

Glad that we met,

Glad that we enjoyed so much?

Remember me.

When I die

I leave you love and the sea,

Friendship and all the loveliness of the world.

I bequeath to you, the living,

All joy and all sorrow.

Have courage always,

And sometimes, sometimes,

Remember me.

呢排有少少難過，可能fluoxetine 40mg 開始唔夠做，可能效果太好可以帶返我上正軌，諗嘅野又好弔詭地搞到我好難過。雖然話想每日都出到一篇文，但係心情唔好就唔想打字，起碼講少好過講多。

事發幾日之前見到個熟客執藥。Serve佢嘅人唔係我，但係執完藥佢有走埋黎同我嗲兩嘴。

「今日之後我應該唔會再黎。出咗啲事而家唔方便講。睇下半年之後返到黎先再同你講」…「我好慶幸自己養到個仔大，又同媳婦相處得好。一把年紀，都係時候要退落黎。」

出咗乜野事，其實唔一定要睇實驗報告。如果你用心／眼同個人傾計，都會知唔少情報。

講到死，有兩樣嘢讀書嘅時候聽lecturer/professor講過

1. (thermodynamics, kinetic) 人體好難達到equilibrium, 唯一達到嘅時候就係死嗰陣
2. (palliative care)做呢行經常都會掂到死嘅topic 

 Fact 呢類野，嘈黎都係曬時間。不過講到遇死人/就黎死嘅人，當然可以包拋頸到話只係執藥，有幾可會遇到就死嘅人？不過如果你熟藥同diagnosis, 其實同個history就多少都會知道佢剩底幾耐。不過冇再配藥係咪不在人世？呢啲最後都係自己嘅final fantasy。

死呢樣野唔一定要做healthcare professional 先遇到。Year 1 識嘅朋友有講有笑，year 2 抄車死咗；Year 3 阿婆仙遊。雖則係笑喪，死係好objective一件事，但係一個人嘅死，留底身邊人嘅傷痛係好subjective。

情感體驗呢樣野除咗個actuality，個距離都好重要。曾經有個俄國regular黎藥房執藥，英文講唔清，又唔識中文（可惜呢度主要serve tourist多），要serve佢要花好多時間。不過正如我之前講過，呢間鋪嘅生意真係好好，要真正invest 時間去同佢溝通嘅機會真係好少。同事會趕佢走/hea佢，得我同老細會dum時間慢慢同佢講。當慢慢得到佢信任嘅時候，佢會reveal好多關於佢嘅野，甚至乎佢肯拎埋份俄文嘅patient profile. 驟眼睇落都唔算話咩大問題，不過佢曾經講到：

「去得呢間醫院好多病人都係就黎死，所以呢隻藥我一定唔可以miss.」

雖然我唔係咁相信，畢竟張list嘅藥都係好多都好common. 但係做耐咗，再見唔返個客，自己多少都會係內心有唔同嘅揣測。畢竟佢唔黎呢到，以佢溝通障礙，真係冇其他地方可以執藥；加上都信到你可以好主動講曬所有野你知，一個老人家又唔識講英文，難得你有耐心，佢唔搵你仲會搵邊個？

所以無論邊泛嘅HCP都會教你人情還人情，數目要分明：而家叫你去救人幫人唔係識新朋友。不過真係有幾多人可以做到咁absolute？做到嘅大概只有ascetic or naïvety.

對於死，到底你有乜野睇法？上面講嘅只係肉體嘅死，另一種departure嘅表達。

仲讀書嘅時候有接觸過QALY..., 不過黎到呢度已經一大篇字，加上唔同theme. 下篇再講啦